What I Wish I Could've Told My Younger Self About Dating

Dear Younger Me,

If I could sit across from you right now, heartbroken and wondering why the guys you like never seem to choose you, I’d hold your hand and gently say this:

You’re not broken.

You’re not unlovable.

You’re not unattractive.

You’re unaware that you’re the one who sets the tone, decides the direction, and teaches him how to treat you.

Let me explain something that will change everything:

Healthy, emotionally available men, the kind who are ready for relationships, aren’t looking for sexually provocative women. 

They want a teammate, a companion, a best friend.

But as women, we’ve been fed the lie that “he’ll choose you if you lead with your sexuality.”

Sure, it might grab attention, but it won’t lead towards commitment.

The good ones choose women who lead with character, boundaries, and standards that say, “Access to me is earned, not given.”

This is because the way to a man’s heart isn’t through sex; it’s through friendship, compatibility, and connection.

But here’s the thing: a good man might test you because:

1. He wants to know if you’re trustworthy and can hold boundaries with men.

2. His testosterone makes him horny and hunt what turns him on.

This means how you behave is how he’ll treat you. 

If you lead with your sexuality by dressing provocatively, being seductive, responding to dirty texts, or jumping into bed, he’ll assume that’s what you offer all men and treat you like ‘a sexy good time.’

But if you lead with your values, lifestyle, and authentic personality, he’ll become curious about you as a potential girlfriend. 

Here’s the catch:

When he pushes for sexual intimacy early on and you say yes, he’ll sleep with you, but in his mind, you’re now a placeholder, not his girlfriend.

He’ll still be nice and spend time with you occasionally, but you’ll sense he’s not fully committed because he isn't.

And this is why:

Men bond through the hormone vasopressin, which is released slowly over 2-3 months through consistent shared experiences like helping you, solving problems, and adventures.

Women bond quickly — through hugs, cuddles, kissing, and sex — all of which release oxytocin, the love hormone that makes us feel emotionally connected.

If you sleep with him before he’s bonded, you’ll be attached, and he won’t be.

That’s why, from now on, here’s how you’re going to date:

• Save the sexy; lead with character.

• Prioritize fun, friendship, and compatibility.

• Stay out of the bedroom for the first 90 days.

Doing this will save you from years of heartbreak, naturally filtering out the situationships and wrong men, while keeping the interest of the right ones.

Remember, you set the tone. You decide the pace. You lead the connection.

Love, Your 40-something Self