When my marriage ended I experienced an internal struggle. Part of me wanted to immediately run into the arms of another man for comfort (which I did and DO NOT recommend!) and part of me never wanted to date again.
After a very brief fling (like 2 weeks brief) I chose to be alone for a while. I knew that I had to be in my own process while navigating the logistics of the divorce, small-town social politics, and family dynamics.
And it was the best gift I have ever given myself.
Yes, it was challenging, but I also grew into my authentic self more than I had in decades. I was alone, with no constraints, no one influencing who I should be or what I should do. It was liberating and AMAZING!
I saw a therapist to help process the trauma that I had experienced and developed The Sovereignty Formula program. As I worked the 9 pillars of sovereignty, I moved from being a needy, insecure, codependent girl to a fierce, strong, and empowered woman!
Then I started dating and this is what I learned...
1) You have to feel whole, complete, and sovereign on your own, regardless of your issues.
You don’t have to be perfect or 100% healed, but you do need to be comfortable with your shortcomings, toxic traits (yes we all have them), and codependent tendencies.
If you feel wounded and broken and are seeking external validation or a man to save you, you will attract a man who is in the same mindset, and your relationship will be based on trauma bonding, filled with pain, and chaos.
If you collapse into shame, blame, and projection every time you feel uncomfortable or in conflict, you will create a toxic relationship.
You need to be confident enough to know that you’re amazing AND courageous enough to own your B.S. by apologizing as needed.
If you’re not ready to own your stuff, you’re not ready to create a healthy relationship.
2) You need to be balanced in your masculine and feminine energies, knowing when to receive and when to lead.
If you hunt your man down and lead the entire relationship, you will find a passive man and eventually resent him for lacking the masculine leadership that you deeply desire.
There is a dance between honoring your intuition, speaking your truth, and asking for what you want...and then allowing a man to listen, respond and lead by taking action.
If he isn’t pursuing you or being proactive, he either isn’t interested or ready to lead. So, let him go and move on.
3) Be devoted to your health, well-being, and passions.
You must have a life that prioritizes your self-care and feeds your soul independently of your relationship and children.
Don’t play games, simply stay committed to your path, goals, and needs. Your anchor is your sovereignty, which is cultivated by developing a deep relationship with yourself, spiritual practice, and sisterhood.
Even if/when you find 'The One' he will be human and flawed. He will forget things, make mistakes, and unintentionally hurt your feelings. You need to be able to hold him accountable while simultaneously taking responsibility for your story and how you feel.
This only happens when you are deeply committed to knowing yourself, loving yourself, and having your own back. You need to become your own best friend and love yourself fiercely. This will attract a healthy partner and help maintain a healthy relationship.
Sisters, this stuff really works, trust me! This has been my practice over the last 4.5 years and now I’m engaged!